It has been so long since I have posted on this site. Where does the time go?
My personal and professional life has been a mess for the past (almost) 4 years.
On the positive end: We had another daughter who we call Tiny Destroyer! I made it through two summers of craziness to complete my Masters in Economics! My husband and I celebrated our 14th year anniversary!
There are more positives, but they just get swallowed by the negatives that have overshadowed my life.
In the spring of 2012, my father was diagnosed with ALS, or Lou Gehrigs Disease. It crushed my family. He was an amazing man, who did everything for everyone and was never sick. ALS robbed him of everything that made him who he was. He was one of the people who also had cognitive issues as well, so by the end, he could not communicate, even with electronic device help. Before he died, my husband agreed to move into my parents house so that I could help take care of my father and support my mother through this. Trying to go to their house everyday to put him to bed, get his feeding tube bag set up, give him all his medication, and run our own household while working, having an infant and older daughter starting kindergarten was too much for me. Soon after we moved in through, my father took a turn for the worse and he died on September 29th, 2013. He was able to meet and hold Tiny Destroyer, but she will never know him. She will never be able so hear his laugh, or hear his storied about all the amazing things that he did in his lifetime. My older daughter will have fuzzy memories of him, but not the man that he was.
My mother did not handle the loss well. They had been high school sweethearts, married for almost 40 years, and she lived her life for him. She sunk deeper into alcoholism, which had been happening for some time before his diagnosis, and a year later she died from complications from the alcohol abuse. She was so stubborn that she waited until October 29th to breathe her last breath so it could be a year and a month to the day since my father died.
By Spring 2015, my parents were cremated, and they had wanted their ashes spread together in Florida. They were born and raised there, so we took them to Longboat Key that they loved to visit so they could spend eternity together walking on the beach together. After that, my husband and I took our girls to Disney World and had an epic adventure there for a week. Buffering the grief with a wonderful vacation was just what we needed.
So now, here we are in Fall of 2016 and my daughters are looking at loss again. My husband’s father is sick. The doctors don’t know what is causing the main problem so they can’t help him. He is in the hospital and we are just playing the waiting game.
We have no religious beliefs ourselves so I do not have the comfort of thinking they are going to “God”. I have the confusion wanting to know why this is happening again. I have the anger that this isn’t fair! My daughters, especially my now 8 year old, should not have to live through this amount of grief at such a young age. They should not have to grow up not having 3 of their 4 grandparents. I should not have had to lose my parents when they were 59 and 61 years old. My husband, sister in law and mother in law should not have to lose their dad and husband at 60 years old.
People tell me that life gives you what you can handle. Well guess what, I’m tired of life thinking that I can handle all this! I can’t. And yet, I push through, usually to the detriment of myself and my needs. Now I need to support my husband as he supported me. I need to make sure my girls, especially M, feels safe and loved as she goes through possibly losing her third grandparent by age 8.
It’s not fair….but I guess life’s not supposed to be fair.